“I’ll update my blog tomorrow”
I lied. I’m sorry about that. It’s been a really long time since I updated this thing, and- I’m not gonna lie- I really considered deleting it. I’m going through a transition in my life- yet again- and there’s been a lot of pressure on me, from myself and from others, to Know What I am Doing.
I don’t know what I’m doing, guys. All I know is where I want to be headed.
I’ve been working with my deities on and off, but right now, most of them seem to have stepped away from my life. I didn’t even celebrate the Autumn Equinox this year. Normally I’d be appalled, but right now, I just need time with myself.
I feel very alone right now. It’s a good feeling, to be honest. I enjoy being alone; it’s the only way that I can feel my thoughts taking shape. I feel as if I know myself better when I’m alone, because when I’m with others, I can feel myself bending to be the shape they want to see.
I’m a liquid, ya’ll.
I know that many people would see that as a strength, and I think that it is, in many ways, but I also think that I need time to… well… freeze. I feel like a hypocrite most of the time; I tell people the things that they want to hear, tell them that I’m doing the things I’m supposed to be doing, that I’m being the person that they want me to be.
But that’s not what I want. I want to be who I am, and that means that I’m going to do things that other people think are “wrong”, but that I think are right.
Nothing morally wrong, of course. At least, nothing morally wrong from my perspective.
It’s hard, see, because there’s so much that I do in my life that others would instantly consider to be immoral. I’m queer; so queer that I’ve had to come out three times to my parents. Our culture still sees that as deviancy (though it’s changing, thank god), and that makes me a deviant irregardless of how I live the rest of my life. I live in the knowledge that, no matter how good of a person I am, I’m still going to be Other than the rest; to many (perhaps most), I will always be regarded as second class- the exception to the norm, something that Should Not Be.
But I AM. I AM and I SHOULD BE and the Gods and Netjer MADE ME AS I AM. That’s my Heka; the words that I use to remind myself that, no matter how others see me, no matter how much they wish I was Not, I Am. And I’m trying so hard to find my Ma’at; that balance between accepting how others see me, and accepting how I am, and living in the discrepancy therein.
And that’s hard. That’s really, really hard. I can feel the weight of culture pressing against me; the knowledge that there will always be that sadness on the part of so many of those close to me, the wish that I could be someone different, that I could be just like everyone else.
And that’s also the reason that I need the time alone. I need to harden, a little bit. I don’t need to be ice; I have no desire to freeze myself completely; but I need walls, and barriers, and protection for my heavy heart. Without it, I’m afraid of being swallowed up by the Nothingness inside me.
…I read, once, that humans are the universe made miniature; that we contain all the elements of the world inside ourselves. It’s compelling. I can see my sun goddess- an aspect of myself-, giving life and heat and warmth to the life that is me; I can see Sobek encouraging the strength of my heart and mind; my resilience is Menuo made manifest; and my health and sickness are regulated by Apollo. I am at their mercy.
And then there is the nothing in my soul, just as there is nothing in every person’s soul. It creeps up to swallow me; it makes me afraid of the people I love, and threatens me with turbulence; it knows what will make me weak, and it seeks to break me.
And in between the nothing and myself, there is Sutekh.
Sutekh, the red god, the one that I should fear, but don’t. For someone so afraid of the world, I’m deeply attracted to the fearsome deities; the wild ones, the ones that threaten the order of the universe simply by existing. Sutekh is made present through my turbulence; my lack of stability is part and parcel with my drive to continue existing, to continue being. He is my panic; my attempts to continue being despite everything, to be involved with everything, to work myself until my body and my soul both hurt, my drive to exist, exist, exist, even though no one thinks that I should.
And then there’s Heru. And Heru stabilizes Sutekh. He is made manifest when I put down my spear, when I’m done working, when the nothingness is vanquished for one more day. He is the rising sun of my hope; he is the calm of my sleep, the bond between me and my friends, and the reminder that yes, I do exist, and no, I don’t always have to fight just to Be.
I’m going through a transition right now, and it is both more lovely and more frightening than anything that I’ve ever known. I have support; I have my friends, and I have my gods, and I have Myself, most importantly. And I know that, because of my efforts, and despite everything that’s being thrown my way, I am going to be okay.
I’m going to be okay.