Disconnected

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I feel really disconnected from the Gods and Neteru.

See, I’ve been living in the dorms, and unfortunately, there’s not much space in them for me to really work with a proper altar- and not enough privacy for me to be able to practice, like, at all.

And the question I keep asking myself is “why even pagan?” I mean, faith is all well and good, but sometimes, I honestly don’t see what it does for me.

I wonder how much of my recent doubt stems from the inability to connect with my deities regularly. I’m really frustrated, honestly, because without them, I feel like my internal compass has been broken. Not my moral compass, of course, but the compass that tells me where I’m supposed to be going, that motivates me to write and to attend classes and to reach out to other people.

(Not that I’ve been skipping classes, mind you. But there’s no motivation behind it. I don’t feel like I *need* to attend class, and lately I’ve been much more lazy in my homework.)

You know, I think I just answered my question about belief. It gives me a little bit of a handhold on life.

I’m just really frustrated that I don’t have any way to actually *talk* with them. Properly, I mean. Not in the way that I currently do, in which I furtively murmur a couple words before I go to sleep, but in the way that means I clean myself and leave offerings, and spend actual amounts of *time* with them.

I feel a little bit lost without their contact.

I suppose this means I should probably be thinking of little ways to keep them in my life, beyond tiny prayers. I mean, life is hard enough already. I’ll try and get back to you with what I come up with.

Until then, I really think I’d better get started on math.

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